Positive!!! I canâ€™t believe this, my whole life flashed before my eyes. It seems just
yesterday I was a young girl growing up in the 80â€™s. Life couldnâ€™t get much better than
planet rock on the radio and skating to play it at your own risk at the roller rink. Thatâ€™s
when I was funky fresh 2 death, blazen- shouting out â€œho now & whip-whipâ€. Back when
I jumped double-dutch and played hide and go get it in the park after dark. Going
swimming at the community pool and eating free lunch in the park. (Remember those
bolonga and cheese sandwiches or that thick peanut butter and jelly on the round roll.)
Fighting with the girls in the neighborhood about my boyfriend not knowing he was
supposed to be â€˜whatâ€™ their boyfriend. Life was simple before the weed smoking, 40
drinking, M.D. 20/20 strawberry banana red sipping, cutting class, playing hooky and
running from the truant officer.
1983 jumbos now on the scene, everybody trying to clock them dollars,
turned wanna be gangsters and hustlers. Big Daddy Kane said, â€œanything goes when it comes
to hoes cause pimping ainâ€™t easy.â€ Now ainâ€™t that the truth cause crack was
the pimp and it made me its hoe! Now Iâ€™m living in hell with this unquenchable thirst.
Doing what I do, by any means necessary, what ever works to get that next fix, that blast.
Never quite like the first, but trying to make this hit last. Life was simple
before county lockup with the jones. My bodyâ€™s aching stomach hurts Iâ€™m crying out,
â€œPlease God take this pain away from me, I promise I wonâ€™t use anymore.â€
Mid 90â€™s Iâ€™m coming home clean and sober. Brighter
days are here. Iâ€™m working got a new car, apartment, and a new man. Life couldnâ€™t get
much better than this, so it seems, there are some rumors going around town about the
true love that Iâ€™ve found. They say, “do you know he got that batman, that thang â€“thang,
the As-I-Die-Slowly.” I donâ€™t believe nothing they say, Iâ€™m going to get checked to prove
them all wrong, because my man loves me and he wouldnâ€™t keep something like that
from me. The doctorâ€™s office called, it took 2 weeks for the results to come in, my
appointment tomorrow at noon. As I anxiously sit in the waiting area I hear my name
called. I follow the nurse to where the doctor is waiting, he asks me to sit down, checks
his chart turns to me and says, â€œMs. Brown Iâ€™m sorry to inform you that you are HIV positive.â€
Positive â€“â€˜DAMNâ€™ Iâ€™m positive.
After being told that your HIV Positive, so much runs thru ones mind. I want to live I donâ€™t
want to die. Why did this happen to me? What do I tell my family, how will my friends treat me.
How could the man that I love do this to me? The drive home was grueling, I stopped off to the
neighborhood bar for drinks to calm my nerves some. Got to tell my man what heâ€™s done,
â€˜DAMN!â€™ For the first time in a long time everything in my life was going right. Was there
something In my past that I had to atone for, If so why does the repayment have to be death? I
feel like Iâ€™m being punished, Why me?
My nerves are still a mess, so I have one more drink then I leave. I get to the house my man
is there. I go inside and take off my jacket, I sit down beside him, he asks how was my day and tell him what the
doctor said. He denies that it was he who has given me this disease. I tell him what my friends were saying. He
became angry then punches me in my face!!!! And that punch lead to other punches followed by
kicks, he beat me to a bloody pulp. And as he left the house he spit on me while my lifeless body
laid on that living room floor.
I was bleeding, crying, hurting, and feeling sorry for myself on that living room floor. So
much runs through ones mind. Maybe he didnâ€™t give it to me. Maybe itâ€™s me. But I knew better, I
know for a fact that it was my man who handed me this death sentence like he was judge and jury
himself. Now Iâ€™m wondering, How many others have fallen pray to his ill disregard for life? How
many innocent victims he has left behind? Yes, victims for Love, We are victims for wanting
someone to love us, victims for wanting to give our love unconditional. Victims because we had listened to a
man that said all the right things, “your beautiful, I need you, you complete me, I Love You.”
So much runs through ones mind. As I lay in this hospital bed looking back, Dear hearts
choose life. Choose life, there is no one more important then yourself. If he says that
â€œthe condom is too tightâ€, “doesnâ€™t fitâ€, â€œit doesnâ€™t feel naturalâ€, â€œwhy should he have tooâ€â€¦
Love yourself enough and CHOOSE TO LIVE!