At the bar having a drink minding my own businessâ€¦ This guy walks up to me trying to get his rap onâ€¦Says that he could take care of meâ€¦so I nicely told him no the fuck he couldnâ€™tâ€¦and I was not impressed I got a man and he gives me nothing but the bestâ€¦He says with a mouth like yours all you given him is hellâ€¦ your mouth is too slick if I was you man I would fix itâ€¦so I said, why do you want me to shut up when I speak my mindâ€¦why would you want me broken with my head bowed down to the ground. Men like you want to dominate and destroy the spirit of a woman and I will not endure you trying to feed me your negative energy. Men like you say you want a strong independent woman but you donâ€™tâ€¦ you want us five steps behind not side by sideâ€¦you want us to know our place to be seen and not heardâ€¦.men like you feel insecure because we can handle our ownâ€¦you see we are not trying to out do youâ€¦we are here to support you, boo. So while you trying to Mack with your wedding band take that shit somewhere else cause like I told you I GOT A MAN!!!!
Thank you for this day that you
have given me. I know that it is only beacuse of
Your grace and Your mercy that I am here. So
Lord give me strength on this day. Strength to know thy name,
to seek thy face, to know thy ways. Give me the
courage to go forward allowing me to have peace and serenity.
I ask for wisdom and knowledge to understand Your purpose
for my life. I know with you all things are possilbe.
In the name of Jesus. AMEN
Why define me when only can define me?… You see, I came in this world in alone and I going to leave the same…So don’t try to compare me to nothing because I’m more than my name or my man for that fact…I’m not even the hopes and dreams of my mother because I’m much bigger than that… You may think I’m bragging or boasting… No baby, I’m just confident in knowing that when I was created God broke the molding!
I stole a dirt bike and somebody told pop-pop damn!!!! He donâ€™t play that shit heâ€™s a mean old man. He made me pick out my own switch just to beat my ass with it. At first I bought him this little limb and the way he looked at me I knew I was really going to get it then. He went to the trunk of his car and pulled out Ole Bessie. I immediately started to cry. I could of shitted on myself, DAMNâ€¦DAMNâ€¦ DAMNâ€¦WHY!!! You see Ole Bessie was this belt about a inch thick with holes that ran down the middle of it. The belt buckle I think was made of lead and when he hit you with it that was your ass. Pop-Pop walked over with Ole Bessie in hand and started to talk to meâ€¦ he said, â€œWhy did you take that bike it didnâ€™t belong to you. You know better boy what has gotten into you.â€ I was scared as hell the tears were streaming down my face and snot running out my nose. I opened my mouth hoping to say something intelligent and all that came out was â€œthey gave it to me.â€ Boy here come Ole Bessie flying from the skyâ€¦ wham, on my legs wham on my back wham, wham, wham on my butt. Ole Bessie was coming from all directions and pop-pop never broke a sweat. He gave me about 10 more hits but it seemed like he was beating my ass for about 20 more minutes. When he got done my ass my arms my legs my back shit my legs and my back had so many whelps for a minute I thought I was a run-away slave. The ass whooping I got that day should go down in history. Pop-Pop taught me a lesson about stealing never again did I take something that didnâ€™t belong to me. Now I have a son of my own and I tell him the story of what happened to me that day. Hoping he stays on the right path. Because what he donâ€™t know is that I inherited Ole Bessie.
Do you remember the girls jumping double-dutch and playing jacks on the front porch or the boys playing football and running that basketball up and down the court? I long to hear their laughter. Their innocence is gone. They are no longer dreaming dreams because they live in the nightmare of this reality. Because Daddy is gone and Momma is working 2 jobs, teachers donâ€™t care, and the neighbors mind their own business now a day. What happened to the African Proverb, â€˜it takes a village to raise a child?â€™ The village is now in an uproar and Our Children are raising themselves. What happened to the neighborhood centers that use to keep Our Children safe after school? Oh, I forgot the politicians promised them funding but the programs got the ax during to last budget cut. Now you see red and blue banners waving from pockets or wrapped around heads. Our children are wearing them like badges of honor, the tell tale sign that the gangs are taking over and if Our Children wear either color they will end up dead.
Mothers and Fathers I must ask:
â€œDo you know where your Child is?â€
Positive!!! I canâ€™t believe this, my whole life flashed before my eyes. It seems just
yesterday I was a young girl growing up in the 80â€™s. Life couldnâ€™t get much better than
planet rock on the radio and skating to play it at your own risk at the roller rink. Thatâ€™s
when I was funky fresh 2 death, blazen- shouting out â€œho now & whip-whipâ€. Back when
I jumped double-dutch and played hide and go get it in the park after dark. Going
swimming at the community pool and eating free lunch in the park. (Remember those
bolonga and cheese sandwiches or that thick peanut butter and jelly on the round roll.)
Fighting with the girls in the neighborhood about my boyfriend not knowing he was
supposed to be â€˜whatâ€™ their boyfriend. Life was simple before the weed smoking, 40
drinking, M.D. 20/20 strawberry banana red sipping, cutting class, playing hooky and
running from the truant officer.
1983 jumbos now on the scene, everybody trying to clock them dollars,
turned wanna be gangsters and hustlers. Big Daddy Kane said, â€œanything goes when it comes
to hoes cause pimping ainâ€™t easy.â€ Now ainâ€™t that the truth cause crack was
the pimp and it made me its hoe! Now Iâ€™m living in hell with this unquenchable thirst.
Doing what I do, by any means necessary, what ever works to get that next fix, that blast.
Never quite like the first, but trying to make this hit last. Life was simple
before county lockup with the jones. My bodyâ€™s aching stomach hurts Iâ€™m crying out,
â€œPlease God take this pain away from me, I promise I wonâ€™t use anymore.â€
Mid 90â€™s Iâ€™m coming home clean and sober. Brighter
days are here. Iâ€™m working got a new car, apartment, and a new man. Life couldnâ€™t get
much better than this, so it seems, there are some rumors going around town about the
true love that Iâ€™ve found. They say, “do you know he got that batman, that thang â€“thang,
the As-I-Die-Slowly.” I donâ€™t believe nothing they say, Iâ€™m going to get checked to prove
them all wrong, because my man loves me and he wouldnâ€™t keep something like that
from me. The doctorâ€™s office called, it took 2 weeks for the results to come in, my
appointment tomorrow at noon. As I anxiously sit in the waiting area I hear my name
called. I follow the nurse to where the doctor is waiting, he asks me to sit down, checks
his chart turns to me and says, â€œMs. Brown Iâ€™m sorry to inform you that you are HIV positive.â€
Positive â€“â€˜DAMNâ€™ Iâ€™m positive.
After being told that your HIV Positive, so much runs thru ones mind. I want to live I donâ€™t
want to die. Why did this happen to me? What do I tell my family, how will my friends treat me.
How could the man that I love do this to me? The drive home was grueling, I stopped off to the
neighborhood bar for drinks to calm my nerves some. Got to tell my man what heâ€™s done,
â€˜DAMN!â€™ For the first time in a long time everything in my life was going right. Was there
something In my past that I had to atone for, If so why does the repayment have to be death? I
feel like Iâ€™m being punished, Why me?
My nerves are still a mess, so I have one more drink then I leave. I get to the house my man
is there. I go inside and take off my jacket, I sit down beside him, he asks how was my day and tell him what the
doctor said. He denies that it was he who has given me this disease. I tell him what my friends were saying. He
became angry then punches me in my face!!!! And that punch lead to other punches followed by
kicks, he beat me to a bloody pulp. And as he left the house he spit on me while my lifeless body
laid on that living room floor.
I was bleeding, crying, hurting, and feeling sorry for myself on that living room floor. So
much runs through ones mind. Maybe he didnâ€™t give it to me. Maybe itâ€™s me. But I knew better, I
know for a fact that it was my man who handed me this death sentence like he was judge and jury
himself. Now Iâ€™m wondering, How many others have fallen pray to his ill disregard for life? How
many innocent victims he has left behind? Yes, victims for Love, We are victims for wanting
someone to love us, victims for wanting to give our love unconditional. Victims because we had listened to a
man that said all the right things, “your beautiful, I need you, you complete me, I Love You.”
So much runs through ones mind. As I lay in this hospital bed looking back, Dear hearts
choose life. Choose life, there is no one more important then yourself. If he says that
â€œthe condom is too tightâ€, “doesnâ€™t fitâ€, â€œit doesnâ€™t feel naturalâ€, â€œwhy should he have tooâ€â€¦
Love yourself enough and CHOOSE TO LIVE!