Questioned Vows

You made the vows to love, to honor, and to keep me protected, but in a fit of outrage those duties you neglected. How could a weekend of joy end so horrifically wrong, how could something so senseless, shake a foundation so strong? We should have stood against the enemy that was trying to rip us apart, instead it was you who put the dagger in my heart. Now the hands that I look to for comfort in my times of distress, are the same hands that I despise, the root of the pain that I possess. At the time everything seemed all too surreal, now the truth of the matter is that you no longer appeal. How could you as my husband raise your hands to my face, not to gently stroke me, but to cause such disgrace? You struck me not once or twice, but three times or more, and yet I am the woman that you claim to adore. You hit me like I was a stranger off the streets, and for your own survival, it was me you had to defeat. You choked me and belittled me while pulling my hair, there’s a monster and my marriage that I thought would never be there. All this going on while you were driving the car, you endangered our lives, how could you take your anger that far? “Let us out, let us out”, I repeatedly screamed, but you wouldn’t budge, it was worse than any nightmare that I’d ever dreamed. “Somebody help me,” I shouted, as I continued to struggle, then you had the nerves to ask me if I wanted to snuggle… But then a minute later, you dealt another blow, I was at the hands of a stranger, no one I would ever care to know. I sat there hopeless not provoking you at all, trying to fight back, but for survival on Jesus I had to call. My son sat in fear as I begged and I pleaded, my painful cries you heard, but yet you proceeded. Now we can’t even disagree without him thinking we’ll fight, you see you’ve scarred him as well, will he ever be alright? I depended on you to teach him to be a man, now I must pray that no woman falls victim to his hands. I vowed to love you for the rest of my life, but that was long before I became a battered wife. Now I find myself questioning the vows that I made, not due to a wandering heart, but a heart that’s been betrayed. We said together till death do us part, I know that includes our earthly lives, but what about a dying heart? I want you to hold me but I can’t stand to feel your touch, yes I still love you, but I hate you just as much. The hatred may subside, the love surely will go on, though I am now standing weak where I used to stand strong. You doubted me as your wife, diminished my concerns for you, we vowed to walk as one, but yet you still see us walking as two. Remember it is always my intentions to see you do well, any downfalls of yours, are just as equally my hell. Because I took my vows seriously to stand by your side, to walk with you as one, and in my place as your wife to always take pride. I still hold my head high, though I’m walking in shame, is this the price I must pay for wearing your name? If that is the case, the price I cannot afford, to ask that of me is highly absurd. I’ve been trying my best to finally forgive, but have my days as your wife been sadly short lived? To others it may seem that I’m doing so well, but deep inside I’ve been going through nothing but hell. My heart is now torn between staying and walking away, so many good times shared, but is it worth it to stay? There’s a cloud over our marriage, producing much unwanted rain, I’ve been so badly hurt, even mama can’t kiss away the pain. If this is what was meant by for better or for worse, I’d rather be alone, than to be subjected to that curse. I never thought I would fall victim to your hands, I’ve replayed that day over and over again, but still I have yet to understand. There’s no way in hell that I’ll ever accept the blame, you’re accountable for your own actions and the fact that things may never be the same. You’ve stood by my side through thick and through thin, so do I owe it to you to try once again? A little over two months married, and I’m already off my high, where is the man I pledged my life to till the day that I die? Your demeanor changed when you joined the force, wish I would’ve known that things would get worse. You went from punching things to punching me, is it at that point a criminal you see? Or is it that you feel you don’t have to play by the rules, you’re protected by the badge, so you’ll do as you choose. No longer kind and gentle as you once were, I want to remember those times, but right now it’s only a blur. You may think to yourself that this is all over blown, but just so you know, I can sit next to you, and yet still feel alone. I want to move on and put this all behind, but it’s a feeling I can’t shake, it’s plaguing my mind. I’ve spent many lonely nights crying myself to sleep, days I’ve shed invisible tears, it’s then inside that I still weep. Will I ever be free, or have I been scarred for life, will it all go away if I’m no longer your wife? I know in time I’ll finally forgive, but will I still walk with you for as long as I live? It’s said that a broken heart heals over time, for me to move on, must I leave you behind? Will I ever be able to laugh with you and rejoice with you, or will it forever be overshadowed by this crying I do? Silently or noisily, the pain is all the same, is the time now up for me wearing your name? I’m so confused I don’t know which way to turn, do I sacrifice our love and let this be a lesson learned? Am I blocking my future because I’m stuck in the past, am I somehow holding to a love that’s not meant to last? Have I been shown all the signs, but I’ve yet to take heed, that for all these years we’ve been sowing a bad seed? Am I missing my blessing because I simply refuse to see, that this is all wrong and you’re not the one for me? Is there a crack in our foundation that we can not mend, will we soon have to accept that this is the end? If that is the case, thank you for all that you’ve done, especially for so openly loving my son. I will forever be grateful for you giving me your all, and in my times of hardships you didn’t let me fall. I know that you love me, but you’ve crossed the line and every since then, my heart’s been on decline. Should I go against my principles and give you another chance, or should I hold my ground and against you take a stand? So many questions asked, so many answers untold, so many days of frustration, for a heart that’s growing cold. I wish I knew how to block memories of the past, so I can finally let go, and forgive you at last. But it isn’t that easy, will someone please tell me how, until then, I’m still left here questioning my vows.