Breathe

I can be all the woman that u want
I can be all woman that u need
I can make ur wildest fantasy into reality…
But I cant now
Because I cannot Breathe

I could give u a love so unbreakably strong
I could give u happiness beyond belief
I could give u me day to night, night to day , day to night…
But I cant now
Because I cannot Breathe

Your 10 fingers around my neck are slowing griping tighter
Even when I notion to u that the white light near the end
Is getting brighter & brighter & brighter
From top to bottom I feel the
Jealousy
Animosity
Controversy
Hypocrisy

Lack of love
Lack of trust
Broken Promises
Empty Lust
Little Goals
Few Dreams
Restricts the airflow,
Suffocating me

You have a diamond,
A rare pearl from within the deep seas
You have what some men search a lifetime for…
You have all of this at your fingertips
But instead you choose to extract all of the air out of my body
Leaving me limp, lifeless…deceased
Because I could not Breathe

outside room forty three

Through assimilation, simile, and metaphor
We see into project corridors
Outside door 43, the lampshade shakes violently
Intermittently like car blinkers, the light flickers
Her concussions would lead to significant repercussions
Conscious I am, so consciously I see
Crackhead logic of addiction, leading to contradictions
I love you so I beat your ass
I love you so I feed you with the very same substance that kills you
Give you a needle and expect you to show gratitude by falling to your knees
Crackhead logic often misreads life’s simplest signals
Those that aren’t subliminal,
As fresh and obvious as drool on a new day’s pillow
Rest in peace is engraved on the tombstone in concave lettering
An unfittingly calm setting for a life so turbulent
Violence has a scent that is revolting and interesting just the same
Small children, growing up around it, inhale it into their brains
Where is resides and festers
The leading cause of rapists and child molesters
See I understand
The story does not always begin with the guilty
And society is so used to Court TV that it lacks sympathy
A sympathetic ear, a sympathetic heart, a sympathetic mind, forget it
So when her little son, pulled back the trigger, while cocking the gun
I saw self defense when others saw negligence mixed with vengeance
The fact that, as he lay bleeding, the young boy repeatedly punched him
Was justification to me, while others saw it as fruits of cursed semen
the prequel tales of a young demon
The light flickered outside room 43
His mother came home and called the cops
The jail bars close on a fourteen year old and our story stops

Avid

Desperate

A blow from behind
Her body feels sore
The crown of her head
Catches the floor

So why love if love
Doesn’t love you anymore
Why stay with a man
Who rips your soul from the core

I’ll tell you why–Desperate.

She started as a shorty full of life
Then one day up and caught pop’s strife
Watching mom bleed constantly from the dome
This wasn’t TV, this was her home

Her sweet innocence was gone when she was nine
By her brother more than a dozen times
But he fucked up and touched the wrong dime
Whose nigga pulled out a black nine
Shot nine shots, and put her brother in a pine box.

So why put up with this shit today
Cuz the abuse are words someone will never say
And though she tried to go through the right way
Someone pulled her back and told her to stay

Now she’s strung out posted on the wall
Full of heroine, meth, and tons of eight ball
If she needed some help she wouldn’t know who to call

Her mom started tricking and got strung out
Daddy couldn’t keep the bottle out of his mouth
I guess guilty consciences ruins a rep
Cuz after he killed mom, he turned it on himself

Now she’s by herself lurking about
Laying on the floor of a distant crack house

So how did all this come about?
The next time you think about just three words
I know sometimes it sounds absurd
But when has three words saved you
Remember in all that you do
I need you or I love you
May be the link between old and new
Right now she’s still on that floor
Taking a beating, anticipating a score
The next time you open a brand new door
What if nobody loved you anymore.

Desperate for time.
Desperate for crime.
Desperate to switch.
Desperate for a hit.
Desperate for love.
Desperate for life.
If only three words could make it alright.
“For Shantell Neely-I Love You”

Are you positive?

Life is a bitch. I used to enjoy life. But to me life has so many downfalls and they all begin like this…… “Everything was going good up until that day.” Well in my life everything wasnt so good and I knew that worst had not visited me yet but was coming. My boyfriend had played all his cards just to get me to tlak to him. And once we started kicking it things were really good for about the first 2 months or so. Then he started acting out always wanted to leave early and come home late but I let that slide. I started to trip when he would come home late and wake me up out of my sleep just to have sex. Now in the beginning when he wasnt chasing trash in the streets the sex used to be something you couldnt get enough of but once he started getting his time to do whatever he was doing or should I say whoever he was doing the sex unlike us did an whole 69. Sex that udes to be fun, sweet, sexy, long, and craving turned into sweaty, hot, rough, quick, nightmares of disgust. Not only was the sex the problem the whole relationship change but none of it ws good. When he cheated he was so obvious but I never made it a big issue cause I was scared at the time. Not only did this boy direspect me but he hit me and abused me in more ways than one. But I did my dirt too. I just never got caught cause I am a real bitch to just tell him. But when the first relationship was over I found out that he had HIV and that he had gave it to me but that first girl he gave it to is his babymama but she is also the one he keeps running back to. So time went by slowly after our break then we got back together and this time it didnt even last 2 weeks but just like always in the beginning the sex is the bomb but I knew it had changed so I left again and you can guess who ran to again. So there we were a month ago trying to work it out once more but it didnt last. We are all in love. But he is confused about who really loves him because she doesnt have to really love you because she is your baby’s mama. But to wrap this up I feel obligated to run back to him whenever he calls because I refused to go thru this alone. Its not right for someone to love you and hurt you and then dismiss you. I am going to get revenge on him and her but I left out alot of details but they will both pay for ruining my life and I am absolutely positive about that………. HIV positive to be exact…….

Invisible Fight

You press me against
the wall
your nails sink deep into
my chest
my neck

Your hands around my
neck
holding me
choking me
I struggle to breath
as I feel myself
Losin this battle

I cough,I scream
You apologize
Maybe next time
I won’t make it back

Everyday this
invisible fight,
Ignored by some
but seen by many,
continued without
fail
But I live in denial
as I go through this
hell.

My love,My heart,
Why do you hurt me so?
Maybe,I think as
I settle into darkness,
its just my time to go.

Razor Sharp

Ma’s soul is callused
self esteem bruised
and heart numbed
from the constant carvings
by Daddy’s razor tongue

He sharpened it nightly
and soaked it in alcohol
sliced open deep wounds
that left mental scars

From what I’ve witnessed
words hurt more than fists
His swing was a mighty one
His words never missed

I don’t think he realized
just how much pain he caused
I don’t think he ever cared
He just wanted to control her
with angry words
and threatening stares

I don’t know
what he said last night
but that fight
really pissed Ma off
This morning
Daddy woke up
with a gun in his mouth
and Ma blew his tongue right off

copyright Berthony Poux
www.soulofbrooklyn.com

Kya’s Story

si_love2@hotmail.com

Positive!!! I can’t believe this, my whole life flashed before my eyes. It seems just

yesterday I was a young girl growing up in the 80’s. Life couldn’t get much better than

planet rock on the radio and skating to play it at your own risk at the roller rink. That’s

when I was funky fresh 2 death, blazen- shouting out “ho now & whip-whip”. Back when

I jumped double-dutch and played hide and go get it in the park after dark. Going

swimming at the community pool and eating free lunch in the park. (Remember those

bolonga and cheese sandwiches or that thick peanut butter and jelly on the round roll.)

Fighting with the girls in the neighborhood about my boyfriend not knowing he was

supposed to be ‘what’ their boyfriend. Life was simple before the weed smoking, 40

drinking, M.D. 20/20 strawberry banana red sipping, cutting class, playing hooky and

running from the truant officer.

1983 jumbos now on the scene, everybody trying to clock them dollars,

turned wanna be gangsters and hustlers. Big Daddy Kane said, “anything goes when it comes

to hoes cause pimping ain’t easy.” Now ain’t that the truth cause crack was

the pimp and it made me its hoe! Now I’m living in hell with this unquenchable thirst.

Doing what I do, by any means necessary, what ever works to get that next fix, that blast.

Never quite like the first, but trying to make this hit last. Life was simple

before county lockup with the jones. My body’s aching stomach hurts I’m crying out,

“Please God take this pain away from me, I promise I won’t use anymore.”

Mid 90’s I’m coming home clean and sober. Brighter

days are here. I’m working got a new car, apartment, and a new man. Life couldn’t get

much better than this, so it seems, there are some rumors going around town about the

true love that I’ve found. They say, “do you know he got that batman, that thang –thang,

the As-I-Die-Slowly.” I don’t believe nothing they say, I’m going to get checked to prove

them all wrong, because my man loves me and he wouldn’t keep something like that

from me. The doctor’s office called, it took 2 weeks for the results to come in, my

appointment tomorrow at noon. As I anxiously sit in the waiting area I hear my name

called. I follow the nurse to where the doctor is waiting, he asks me to sit down, checks

his chart turns to me and says, “Ms. Brown I’m sorry to inform you that you are HIV positive.”

Positive –‘DAMN’ I’m positive.

After being told that your HIV Positive, so much runs thru ones mind. I want to live I don’t

want to die. Why did this happen to me? What do I tell my family, how will my friends treat me.

How could the man that I love do this to me? The drive home was grueling, I stopped off to the

neighborhood bar for drinks to calm my nerves some. Got to tell my man what he’s done,

‘DAMN!’ For the first time in a long time everything in my life was going right. Was there

something In my past that I had to atone for, If so why does the repayment have to be death? I

feel like I’m being punished, Why me?

My nerves are still a mess, so I have one more drink then I leave. I get to the house my man

is there. I go inside and take off my jacket, I sit down beside him, he asks how was my day and tell him what the

doctor said. He denies that it was he who has given me this disease. I tell him what my friends were saying. He

became angry then punches me in my face!!!! And that punch lead to other punches followed by

kicks, he beat me to a bloody pulp. And as he left the house he spit on me while my lifeless body

laid on that living room floor.

I was bleeding, crying, hurting, and feeling sorry for myself on that living room floor. So

much runs through ones mind. Maybe he didn’t give it to me. Maybe it’s me. But I knew better, I

know for a fact that it was my man who handed me this death sentence like he was judge and jury

himself. Now I’m wondering, How many others have fallen pray to his ill disregard for life? How

many innocent victims he has left behind? Yes, victims for Love, We are victims for wanting

someone to love us, victims for wanting to give our love unconditional. Victims because we had listened to a

man that said all the right things, “your beautiful, I need you, you complete me, I Love You.”

So much runs through ones mind. As I lay in this hospital bed looking back, Dear hearts

choose life. Choose life, there is no one more important then yourself. If he says that

“the condom is too tight”, “doesn’t fit”, “it doesn’t feel natural”, “why should he have too”…

Love yourself enough and CHOOSE TO LIVE!

Questioned Vows

You made the vows to love, to honor, and to keep me protected, but in a fit of outrage those duties you neglected. How could a weekend of joy end so horrifically wrong, how could something so senseless, shake a foundation so strong? We should have stood against the enemy that was trying to rip us apart, instead it was you who put the dagger in my heart. Now the hands that I look to for comfort in my times of distress, are the same hands that I despise, the root of the pain that I possess. At the time everything seemed all too surreal, now the truth of the matter is that you no longer appeal. How could you as my husband raise your hands to my face, not to gently stroke me, but to cause such disgrace? You struck me not once or twice, but three times or more, and yet I am the woman that you claim to adore. You hit me like I was a stranger off the streets, and for your own survival, it was me you had to defeat. You choked me and belittled me while pulling my hair, there’s a monster and my marriage that I thought would never be there. All this going on while you were driving the car, you endangered our lives, how could you take your anger that far? “Let us out, let us out”, I repeatedly screamed, but you wouldn’t budge, it was worse than any nightmare that I’d ever dreamed. “Somebody help me,” I shouted, as I continued to struggle, then you had the nerves to ask me if I wanted to snuggle… But then a minute later, you dealt another blow, I was at the hands of a stranger, no one I would ever care to know. I sat there hopeless not provoking you at all, trying to fight back, but for survival on Jesus I had to call. My son sat in fear as I begged and I pleaded, my painful cries you heard, but yet you proceeded. Now we can’t even disagree without him thinking we’ll fight, you see you’ve scarred him as well, will he ever be alright? I depended on you to teach him to be a man, now I must pray that no woman falls victim to his hands. I vowed to love you for the rest of my life, but that was long before I became a battered wife. Now I find myself questioning the vows that I made, not due to a wandering heart, but a heart that’s been betrayed. We said together till death do us part, I know that includes our earthly lives, but what about a dying heart? I want you to hold me but I can’t stand to feel your touch, yes I still love you, but I hate you just as much. The hatred may subside, the love surely will go on, though I am now standing weak where I used to stand strong. You doubted me as your wife, diminished my concerns for you, we vowed to walk as one, but yet you still see us walking as two. Remember it is always my intentions to see you do well, any downfalls of yours, are just as equally my hell. Because I took my vows seriously to stand by your side, to walk with you as one, and in my place as your wife to always take pride. I still hold my head high, though I’m walking in shame, is this the price I must pay for wearing your name? If that is the case, the price I cannot afford, to ask that of me is highly absurd. I’ve been trying my best to finally forgive, but have my days as your wife been sadly short lived? To others it may seem that I’m doing so well, but deep inside I’ve been going through nothing but hell. My heart is now torn between staying and walking away, so many good times shared, but is it worth it to stay? There’s a cloud over our marriage, producing much unwanted rain, I’ve been so badly hurt, even mama can’t kiss away the pain. If this is what was meant by for better or for worse, I’d rather be alone, than to be subjected to that curse. I never thought I would fall victim to your hands, I’ve replayed that day over and over again, but still I have yet to understand. There’s no way in hell that I’ll ever accept the blame, you’re accountable for your own actions and the fact that things may never be the same. You’ve stood by my side through thick and through thin, so do I owe it to you to try once again? A little over two months married, and I’m already off my high, where is the man I pledged my life to till the day that I die? Your demeanor changed when you joined the force, wish I would’ve known that things would get worse. You went from punching things to punching me, is it at that point a criminal you see? Or is it that you feel you don’t have to play by the rules, you’re protected by the badge, so you’ll do as you choose. No longer kind and gentle as you once were, I want to remember those times, but right now it’s only a blur. You may think to yourself that this is all over blown, but just so you know, I can sit next to you, and yet still feel alone. I want to move on and put this all behind, but it’s a feeling I can’t shake, it’s plaguing my mind. I’ve spent many lonely nights crying myself to sleep, days I’ve shed invisible tears, it’s then inside that I still weep. Will I ever be free, or have I been scarred for life, will it all go away if I’m no longer your wife? I know in time I’ll finally forgive, but will I still walk with you for as long as I live? It’s said that a broken heart heals over time, for me to move on, must I leave you behind? Will I ever be able to laugh with you and rejoice with you, or will it forever be overshadowed by this crying I do? Silently or noisily, the pain is all the same, is the time now up for me wearing your name? I’m so confused I don’t know which way to turn, do I sacrifice our love and let this be a lesson learned? Am I blocking my future because I’m stuck in the past, am I somehow holding to a love that’s not meant to last? Have I been shown all the signs, but I’ve yet to take heed, that for all these years we’ve been sowing a bad seed? Am I missing my blessing because I simply refuse to see, that this is all wrong and you’re not the one for me? Is there a crack in our foundation that we can not mend, will we soon have to accept that this is the end? If that is the case, thank you for all that you’ve done, especially for so openly loving my son. I will forever be grateful for you giving me your all, and in my times of hardships you didn’t let me fall. I know that you love me, but you’ve crossed the line and every since then, my heart’s been on decline. Should I go against my principles and give you another chance, or should I hold my ground and against you take a stand? So many questions asked, so many answers untold, so many days of frustration, for a heart that’s growing cold. I wish I knew how to block memories of the past, so I can finally let go, and forgive you at last. But it isn’t that easy, will someone please tell me how, until then, I’m still left here questioning my vows.

Domestic Patterns

by – kwon316 – live_316

whether its the sleeping or cheating
the habits are persistent

dates back to mom and dad handling their differences
settling it with verbal or abusive conflicts

young brother wish times were better
these arguments taint and make him bitter

coming of age, hes ready to date
past influences cause him to impregnate

mind is twisted
reality is sinking in

he flees from the problem
leaving the baby’s mama without dada

child support rushed his door
only to find him consumed with alcohol on the floor

he was then sentence 10 years
all he can do is reflect his young years

My River Of Blood

sex appeal – www.lilkim20152002@yahoo.com

Going back in the days…the days that I was with you.
The days that you started my river flowing and the days
I refused to leave because I thought you really loved me.
The abuse you gave me,the threats that you made to me
would make any woman afraid to leave.

But I got out as soon as I could to never see or touch
the likes of you.
You said you loved me and that had me fooled and I finally
realized that I was a fool for you.
I’m glad to say that I got away from you.
I’m glad to say I got a good man and that good man isn’t you.
My river of blood no longer runs through me for you.
It’s kept within me…where it belongs.